Live Strong, Love Unconditionally

( a personal account!)

~introduction~

I started off writing this as ‘happiness within loneliness’ as the perfect high but it took a different turn as I typed along. Some may take this concept as leaving a relationship or circle of companions to be happy, but that’s not the intent. I want to talk about authentic joy that comes from within. And mine came after a really long struggle. This kind of joy is known within the circle as the type that comes from meditating, talking to oneself, living in the moment or being happy without help from external objects or people. It can be achieved in spite of being dumped with other’s emotional baggage. The happiness here is infinite and leaves within the ability to spread joy to those needing it; but to get to it requires changing and evolving self. To some, like myself this understanding came much after what has been popularly termed as a mid life crisis. I resisted as much as I could and pushing back pained me in equal amounts. I should have just accepted what was in store. Age is clearly no bar to this new exciting yet equally depressing phase.

~the Midlife crisis~

My adventure started at 26 (after 5 years of marriage), although society has known a midlife crisis to occur around the age of 35 or more. I’ve observed a midlife crisis to occur after hitting a plateau in life. In my case, I had achieved all my personal and career goals by the age of 29 and then remained clueless on what to do next. I worked hard in my marriage, even harder at work and did everything I could do to be the best I could be. But I was still unhappy. I did not want a child then but I definitely wanted more excitement. The only excitement easily achievable came from breaking rules; rules of personal integrity, marriage and society. I led a crazy party life and saw myself slowly crossing boundaries in secrecy. Sometimes I wish I had just jumped right in instead of resisting temptation and trying to talk  myself out of it. I was clearly on the verge of a midlife crisis.

On that note, it would be great if we’d all ‘welcome a midlife crisis” like we’d welcome a new born child. I’ve realized that it can lead to a spiritual awakening with sincere self introspection. In all this realization and after researching the definition on Wikipedia and other places, I summarize the concept of a ‘mid life crisis’ to making life altering changes in an attempt to find true happiness. I’ve seen such life altering changes creep up in the form of a divorce, buying a sports car or a yacht, having an extra marital affair, getting a new look, doing things that one may have missed out on while growing up, finding a purpose or the meaning of life, living on the edge, etc. Some of these sound quite normal and it really is. A midlife crisis is not age dependent but experience dependent. It can occur at any age when we feel we have reached a peak in our lives in terms of career or personal success. It’s purely a mental state and has nothing to do with the physical age even though statistics dictate otherwise. For me, it brought clarity to thought and a clear life purpose. I learned to maintain my boundaries and maintain healthy self esteem.

~Boundaries Not to Cross in a midlife crisis~

None. Cross every boundary except physical abuse. In my strongest belief, all boundaries must be explored in an attempt to understand oneself. This is devastating advice to people in relationships, but a truth like this is bitter in its first taste before it sets one free.  It usually takes many years before a loved one finally figures out their truth and submit themselves in service of you or family.  My wife knew this painful truth and overlooked all the things she doubted about me. She considered this as true love for me; when she said she loves me, it was about me and what I wanted, not her or her expectations. Then I asked her; “who loves you when you are busy loving me?”

She said, “I found the strength to love myself.” And that is something that hit a chord deep inside me. Her words resonated with those of my therapist. ‘No one can love others if they cannot love themselves.’ Right then I had another moment of epiphany. Every time people like me do what society considers hurtful, we’re actually figuring out ways to love ourselves. These ways can be quite daunting, confusing and even  illegal, but its a journey into an inner truth. Unfortunately, the only way to accept such behavior is with compassion and empathy.

My extra marital affair fell apart as quickly as it started. I was also lucky that I did not get cited for what was considered as a misdemeanor in this state. My spouse knew what I was upto and yet refused to confront me; she waited in faith. A few months later in complete realization, I walked back into her ever open arms and centered myself within our relationship.  She never did stop me once from making mistakes and she always understood me after I made them. She was my spiritual guru and she led by example. Since then, I’ve been infected with her ability of tolerance and today I continue to understand and spread my experience to those who wish to listen. The peace from it is intoxicating; a higher than high High!

Peace.