I consciously pay about $3.80 for my drink but someone close to my heart pointed this out to me.
‘It is cheaper if you make it yourself!’
I was a bit surprised. It was a very innocent thought triggered only by a narrow vision and assumption; that’s it! I had no answer at the time but later on I explained this to him.

I’m not paying $3.80 for coffee. I’m probably paying $.80 for the content in my cup.
The rest is my contribution:

1. 50 cents for the baristas who pay their tuition bills or take care of  families with their hourly wage.
2. 50 cents for the coffee grower in some developing nation that desperately needs to feed his families.
3. 50 cents for the middle men that make it possible to get it here right from the fields through US customs and to my fingertips.
4. 50 cents for the founding principles of the company that I continue to believe in.
5. 50 cents for the ambient lighting, the music, the cushions and the warm welcome.
6. 50 cents for the charity they give when we give.

And finally because I can afford to see it this way… about giving and being given.
(I just remembered the song ‘New Soul’ by Yael Naim)

Someday I will probably not have enough to give, but by then I will know that there are those who continue in place of me.

Can positive thinking change your karma?
Short Answer: Yes, but it doesn’t mean that your past karma goes unaccounted for.

Long Answer…
Karma means action.  And by positive thinking you have already acted in a way that will help you.
But I’m going to assume that you meant “Can it change my past karma ( either past life or current)?” The answer is: Yes only after you have completely paid back your previous karmic debts.
Karmic debts are usually no different from the financial debts in our little Wall street world. There is one exception; there is no bankruptcy law here. You cannot bail out without payback. The only good news is that your payback can be negotiated in any form acceptable to the other person and yourself. If you are reading this, the negotiation you are thinking about has already happened in the astral before birth (if you consider time as a linear). It will most probably not happen in the way you might think right now but the opportunity will show itself when its time. Act then. Act wise, rationalize and see compassionately. This is the crux and core of positive thinking.

How do I know this?
I can only speak from personal experience. My current life karma becomes obvious over time. One instance I remember clearly was a scene on the Basketball Court. I remember falling and tumbling on the court after being tripped by a newbie during a layup. This immediately took me to the time I was a newbie and I did the same thing unintentionally to someone else. I remember him tumbling and falling the same way.  For my past life karma, I cross check with my wife’s help. She astral projects into our past lives to verify the payback. Since not everyone has this privilege, the only way is to go with the flow and act wisely and rationally (and this is obviously universal advice.)

the end.

After reaching this inner state of just observing, there do come questions…
questions like why…??

Nature balances itself out through karmic processes as the ones we’ve just witnessed. You are just the observer until it is your turn to live out a traumatic experience yourself. Someday Shakespeare’s line will make sense, ‘All the world’s at stage’, but till then play your part with gumption. I will play my part of the insensitive asshole.

Peace.

Here’s my personal account…
It took me about two years from the time I decided to love myself unconditionally till I discovered how I could be truly selfless towards others. I saw this as a move from being selfish to selfless. I started by demanding that others love and accept me for who I was, just like what my mom would do for me. But most of all, I wanted this special someone to accept me as is, for my mistakes, my flaws and my foolishness; to love me for me and not for what I do or say.
With this big expectation that seemed quite easy for others, I was missing a big reality.
The chances of this happening the way I expected was not in my favor. I was battling time and patience.

~The Secret (movie)~

Around this period the inspirational movie – ‘The Secret’ made waves. But as much as it had its media and skeptic back lash, I found a value in the law of attraction i.e. ‘Like attracts like’; the concept of compatibility.
I asked myself ‘what was it that I wanted to attract?’
I wanted others to love me unconditionally just as I love myself. That’s all.

Then it hit me…
In order to be loved and accepted by others unconditionally, I had to first love and accept them unconditionally, i.e. I had to be like them to attract them.

It was a tough thought to accept for the longest time. I didn’t need to consciously apply this to my parents while I was younger; but I guess I always accepted them unconditionally without knowing. And now, to be compatible with this new breed of people, I had to become those qualities that I wanted from them. It seemed to follow the age old wisdom that ‘I have to give love to get love in return’ or ‘Giving away something from your closet to make room for something new.’

~Unselfish Moral Obligations v/s Selfish Heart’s Desire~

From the kind of society we come from and with the constant battles we fight within ourselves and outside, it is a bit difficult to be truly unselfish without understanding or taking help from any source. Even though we try to listen closely to our conscience, we confuse ourselves over moral obligations. Its very unfair that we argue ourselves over what we morally ‘ought’ to do versus what we desire to do. Some moral duties as taught to us by parents and society are the most heart breaking of them all. To make things worse, we sometimes hear disheartening and un-supportive statements from them when we divert away from our moral obligations. We silently punish ourselves by thinking how cruel and un-sacrificial we really are even though we did it in innocence for ourselves.

Here’s a list of popular taunts from my hay days :
You are self centered.
Its all about you.
All you think and care about is yourself.
You are selfish.
You always have vested interests.
You always want something.

Here’s another list of what I secretly tell myself but I deny being it when others question me!
What am I going to get from this?
How am I going to gain if I help others?
What is in it for me?
What’s the point if I get nothing in return?

These are just normal behaviors found in most people who have been trying to help themselves by unconditionally loving themselves. It sounds a bit superficial when I say it but unless they completely help themselves, they cannot help others. What can I offer you if I can’t offer much to myself?

~finding that balance~

When I learned how to balance a bicycle, I’ve noticed that I fell at least once to the left and once to the right. It seemed natural to tip, twist & turn before balancing myself right. Only when I learned and realized the extremities of these 2 ends, that I slowly wavered to a center point decreasing my chances of error. This comes with practice, sheer determination and the understanding that I don’t have to be perfect to appreciate my constant efforts.
I don’t race against time, but I take my time. The same applies to finding a balance between selflessness and selfishness. As long as you are on the earth plane, you have to find a balance between the two. You cannot sustain being entirely selfless or selfish. Experience both extremities before finding what you like. In all cases, humans in general are naturally selfless most of the time as well as naturally confused about it . but as always you are the best judge to know what is a good balance for you.

Most people bounce between these two extremities (selfless and selfish).
As they confuse themselves over it, they tend to make life miserable for the ones they love but worse off, they make life miserable for themselves. If they can successfully understand what they are doing wrong, the only way is up!

~Unselfish with resentment aka Miss Doormat~
This is denial at its best. Miss Doormat is a person who loves to help but doesn’t know how to stop and where to draw the line. She needs to learn to help herself instead; she needs to know ‘when’ to say ‘No’ and when to say ‘Yes’. Without this, Miss Doormat is constantly denying herself the love and respect she deserves. I’ve seen my friends behave like doormats and it really upsets me to see them the way they are without seeking help. Worse off, they mostly get bad advice from very helpful friends who are clueless themselves.

~Selfishness with resentment/guilt~
When you recognize that you are selfish, you do so because you have the opposing desire to be what comes to you naturally; i.e. the act of being selfless. The only way to dissolve the guilt and resentment is to understand a certain reality. A reality that ‘you cannot give what you do not have enough of’, ‘you cannot make others happy if you are unhappy’ and that ‘you cannot love others if you cannot love yourself first’. You will also be the best judge to know when you are ready for this selfless leap. Morality is just a road block to attaining high levels of spirituality i.e. your best possible you.

From Miss Doormat’s point of view, she could be making efforts to say ‘No’ and help herself instead. Being in this new place, she may be confused with certain realities. She may be overly uncomfortable with being ‘not nice’ as she may see it. She may worry about what others think about her instead of what she thinks about herself. But putting others aside, if she recognizes herself to feel slightly good about being selfish, its a good thing, a time of self healing. Once she masters this state, she can progress to higher grounds of balance.

~Selfishness without resentment~
If you can be selfish without resentment without publicly denying it, it would be a good state to be in (on one condition). You would need to be truthful about it and make it clear to others that you are what you are i.e. self-centered. A bold statement like this is usually appreciated and well reciprocated. Either way, this stage is a definite stepping stone to finding a good balance. The best judge to know when you are ready to be a bit selfless is you.

~Un-Selfish without resentment~
People at this level are usually the spiritually evolved. I have a set of friends who I thought were like doormats but they never resented giving away what they had. In fact it didn’t really affect them if someone walked away thinking that they took advantage of them. They seemed to do this consciously with absolutely no resentment. But as much as it bothered me initially, I realized that every action they performed was equal to the weathering of rocks. It may not be visible today, but overtime it will weather even the strongest and biggest of stone hearts. They are ‘Time Surfers’ and made time their friend. They understand death, concepts of re-incarnation and the afterlife. They are my teachers in this lifetime and I realize that my life on earth is a like being in school. I am still learning.

I hope this helps you as much as it helped it me during my time of need.
Love & Peace out!

With the amount of mistakes I constantly made, I know I had many opportunities to understand trust and forgiveness through the pain, frustration and guilt in my life. At this point today, I believe in this quote: ‘If you haven’t made any mistakes, you haven’t taken enough risks.’ And I would have learned nothing.

It’s from these many learning opportunities I realized that if we have to forgive someone or carry a grudge, it is we who carry the emotional baggage and not them. When we truly forgive someone, it is we who feel really light hearted. They on the other hand have the choice to care less or help us heal. And as painful and heavy this is, there are ways to feel lighter without having to deal with the person or system we believe created this painful situation. Life teaches us lessons in unexpected ways and sadly this is one of them. If you are at this juncture, its also quite clear that the concepts of trust and faith have been misunderstood leading to this hurtful emotion.
.

~Crossing a boundary?~

While somewhere we believe that some of our limits/boundaries have been crossed, some of us still keep the courage to do the right thing. In this article I will try to logically present the answer you are looking for with the best possible forms of reason. The concept of forgiveness is something that even people with healthy self esteem tend to confuse and struggle over. Bear with me as I demonstrate the ‘act of being unforgiving towards others’ is really an illusion and were are truly unforgiving of ourselves instead. It is then not ‘our’ boundary wall that they cross but it is the boundary wall we put around them that they cross. I will start with the basics of choice as the fundamentals to this understanding.
PS. I will not attempt to justify any form of forgiveness towards physical abuse at this time. But for those desperately seeking answers here, please read up on Past Life Karmas and Life Path to understand the holistic purpose of this act
.

~Choice~

We all make choices. Some of us know the outcome and hence make informed choices. Some, on the other hand (mostly wishful thinkers), make choices with the expectation of a positive outcome, ignoring the other hurtful possibilities. The more experienced on the other hand makes a conscious choice after accepting the possibility of a bad outcome while hoping for the good. These are common in the stock market where a sensible investor takes a loss in the same spirit as he would take a profit. With every choice comes emotional responsibility for its outcome no matter how bad or good it maybe.

~Mutual Respect~

We also expect others to respect our good and bad choices just as we respect theirs; especially their bad ones. A parent disapproving their daughter’s choices of a boyfriend in a dating scene usually results in the daughter being upset over it. She expects her parents to respect her choices just as she respects theirs. She expects that they trust her with the knowledge they themselves educated her with. Without mutual respect there is no healthy relationship.
In this personal journey of self discovery, everyone has the freedom to make mistakes, take responsibility and learn from it. The fear of the inability to cope is the only reason why we cannot accept a bad outcome. If we cannot accept the bad outcomes of our own choices, we can never accept the bad outcome of other’s choices either. In other words, if we cannot respect ourselves and our choices, we cannot respect others and theirs.

.

~Forgiving others Or forgiving self?~

Usually when we are unforgiving of others, we are unforgiving of the choice they made. But, if somewhere in the back of our minds it clicks that those choices made by them should be respected as much as we’d expect them to respect our good and bad choices, only then will we understand that forgiving others is an illusion and that we are really trying to forgive ourselves for being ignorant of this concept (that we respect others for their choices good and bad as well, just as we expect them to respect ours). Forgiveness is a result of a misconception of trust.
.

~But what is this painful feeling inside us when someone does something hurtful?~

This painful feeling is the dependence on that person or system for love, attention and fulfilling our expectations . Had we been strong enough to love ourselves instead, fulfill our own needs and give ourselves the attention we deserve, this need or dependence on others would disappear. We would then look at this whole situation very differently. We would see that this person is only making choices that he or she needs while in the process of self discovery. It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with only them. When we accept that, we unconditionally love and accept ourselves and unconditionally love and accept them. That’s true love.

~Empower Yourself~

However, many of us live outside this reality and play a painful game of master and slave where the slave seeks forgiveness from the master. One needs to remember that a master can control the slave as much as the slave allows the master to control him. The only next step to freedom is self empowerment and that comes with understanding the power of choice. The habit of being unforgiving is a global epidemic and only through the understanding of choice can we be free of the burden we carry.
.

~Forgiveness in my relationship~

In my personal life a few years ago, I asked for forgiveness from two women I hurt through the choices I made. One of them said, “I will never forgive you for what you did to me,” and the other said “you are forgiven, I love you for who you are irrespective of your choices”. During that time I suffered low self esteem and the source of happiness in my life was the woman who did not forgive me. I never knew how to find happiness within myself and suffered a slave relationship trying to please her. As I grew stronger emotionally and built a healthy self esteem, I realized that I did not need others to forgive me for my choices. My choices were intended to make me happy. If I cannot be happy, I cannot make others happy and hence only through selfishness can come true authentic selflessness. If others cannot understand and respect this, it’s their inability to cope and not mine. I will make others happy only when I find happiness within myself. During that phase, I needed to forgive myself for the bad outcomes of my choices and learn to love myself unconditionally.

The power of forgiveness works at all times and for everyone. Forgive yourself, love yourself unconditionally, and help others heal just as you would heal yourself.

I would recommend two reads that really help.
The Transformative Power of Crisis

& Self Empowerment by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis

Love & Best Wishes!

I want us to think about the last time we put our trust or faith in someone and for some reason it ended up in a fiasco. I’m sure that we have all gone through this bit of personal regret while trusting others, and I’m even sure that somewhere we tell ourselves never to trust again, especially with matters very close to our heart. Somewhere and somehow we are losing faith in people and humanity in general. In all this, I ask just one question!

~what kind of a lesson is life teaching us about trust?~

The true reality is, we haven’t understood trust the way it really is, just as the many other things that we believe we know everything about. All that bickering, crying and sulking over blaming others might just go up in smoke after this read is complete. Let me make a quick analysis.

~what are we doing when we trust someone?~

We are placing our happiness in their hands. It could be something as simple as asking a friend to keep a secret from others; a rule that this friend now needs to follow. And when they do as we expect them to, we become or remain happy. The minute they let go of that rule or boundary we placed around them, we see them as letting us down and in turn we’re unhappy with them.
To begin with, is it fair that we put a boundary wall around people we care for as friends or family? Or is it us caring for ourselves and expecting them to care for us too? Trade places for a second now; how would we feel if we were made responsible to keep others happy most of the time? (or in other words carry their emotional baggage?) I know that most of us selflessly do it, but even carrying ones own weight gets tiring. Good friends think wisely before burdening others with their weight. When they do, they make it a point to pay back.

~true happiness and misconception of trust~

If we understand that true happiness comes from within ourselves, then we will also understand that the happiness that comes from fulfilling the ‘trust’ bestowed on others is highly superficial. Somewhere even though we may deny it, we are really seeking acceptance and attention from the ones we trust. It has everything to do with making us happy and not them. Further more, the truth of the matter is that we haven’t yet accepted ourselves for who we are. We lack healthy self esteem and we constantly need someone else to fill in our voids. Hence the ‘trust’ we think we know is a pure misconception.

~true trust & faith~

Trust in others is having faith that they will do their best even though they are vulnerable to mistakes like we all are. Its only human to err. We trust that someday they will learn from their mistakes (if they believe its a mistake) and do the best for themselves; and that’s all that matters. Trusting others with something important means that you are happily ready to accept failure when it happens just as much as you would happily accept success. It’s a package deal and anything less is hypocrisy and leads to the concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness is nothing a but an unhappy seed that arises when trust is misunderstood. More on this in a later post.

~trusting others trails trusting ourselves~

In reality, we need to first trust ourselves to find happiness through a deeper understanding of ourself and not through superficial means. When we lose trust in others, or claim that others have broken our trust, we are really saying that we do not understand the true concept of trust. We have in turn lost trust in ourselves. Its only when we trust ourselves completely, can we trust others with ease. Whatever wrong they do will not affect the true happiness we get from within ourselves. For the fact that every time we superficially trust and it fails us should ring a bell that somewhere we got something figured wrong. Trusting others must never define our happiness; just theirs. Trusting ourselves defines ours.

~what about trusting others to do something I don’t know how to do myself?~

If we want to do something right and its very important to us, its best to do it ourselves. The process of doing it ourselves has many hidden lessons of life. If we don’t know how, we can always learn. If we don’t have the time, we can pay a professional to do it to our expectations. If we just want to find excuses, it boils down to the fact that we don’t trust ourselves enough.

PS. I have faith in you because I have faith in myself. The time to learn is immaterial.

I want to start off by resonating with a silent echo that’s been around for generations; i.e. A “healthy self esteem” is the most sought after emotional state for every person looking to be self confident. Some have successfully achieved authentic self esteem through painful life experiences, some through wise parental guidance but most still stand tall on false bottoms. Unfortunately, low states of self esteem spares no one, neither the rich nor the successful. It can be prevalent in CEOs, actors, rap stars, narcissists or even psychologists themselves. It is clearly prevalent in drug addicts, addicts in general, criminals, abusers and the like.

My story spans thirty years during which my emotional baggage got heavier and I constantly duct taped together a false bottom. My wife, a victim of suppressive parenting, was no exception to this psychological handicap. For eight years in our marriage I found on many occasions I bickered, blamed & regretted. I caused her a lot of guilt and shame for not being what I wanted her to be. We couldn’t even be honest and respectful in a relationship. She wouldn’t accept constructive criticism and neither would I. Eventually, nothing she would do was ever good enough for me and nothing I did was enough to make her happy. For every step she took, no matter which direction, I guess I ended up saying “you suck!” I was no different than her parents.

It took a devastating turn in my life to notice my junk emotional baggage. I had an extra marital affair followed by an attempted divorce. But on the advice of a very good friend and a failing marriage I attempted therapy. She tried it too.

The first thing the therapist signed me up for was self esteem in group therapy. As I walked out of her office, I told myself that I don’t need this and that I have great self esteem. This was my male ego reassuring that the false bottom could withstand an 8.0 earthquake! During my first session, they circulated study material on self esteem. I was taken aback when I found some of the symptoms of low self esteem were the symptoms I had (outlined some of it below). It took a while but when I finally accepted it, I asked my wife to experience this paradigm shift.  She didn’t understand it and preferred her existing way of life. Even though I didn’t see the end of the tunnel for us, I didn’t want to give up. But first I needed to fix myself. I immediately understood that if I had great self esteem I would not have cheated.

Here are some of the symptoms of Low Self Esteem that I had:
I noticed that I was a perfectionist with low tolerance for anything less. (This was only towards people I can take for granted, like my wife).
I would be embarrassed about the color of my skin or the natural discoloration in my teeth. But if you like my skin color, I like it too!
I had very defensive behavior and used to take everything personally (seriously insecure).
I felt a void and I wanted someone to fill it in for me – extra marital affair.
I wanted a hot looking wife to feel important, a little trophy. I didn’t realize I used them.  Many a times (thanks to my culture), I saw them as objects for my own happiness instead of human beings with emotions of their own.
I always wanted to please others at the cost of my own time or money in return for compliments & appreciation.
I wanted everyone to like me and I tried to please everyone. Many a times I ignored the people that mattered because they weren’t that important to my social appearance.
I treated everyone special and lied to them about how great they were so they don’t think any low of me. It was about me, not about them.
At times, I would settle for second best or nothing at all because I thought I didn’t deserve the best and that it was a ‘sacrifice’ well worth it.
I remained a workaholic to prove to everyone how good I was.
I was unable to easily forgive or forget.
I had a superficial outlook.
I wanted to dress well & drive an expensive car to impress others.
I could not say the word “I” with confidence. I would say “we”  or use third person reference while trying to refer to myself.
I was always defensive and in denial.

Initial conclusion:
During my search for answers, I concluded that I had low self esteem. To my surprise and from various sources, I realized that even criminals, alcohol abusers, drug abusers, gamblers, every form of addiction – sex offenders, video game addiction, internet chat addicts, internet addicts, blog addicts, bullies and even something as common as depression source from low self esteem. I’ve read that dysfunctional families (like mine) lacked social integrity and self esteem within the parents themselves. This explains how the examples they set for me became an integral part of me. I’m reluctant to say this (might be taken out of context) but most of the families I know are dysfunctional and there have been very few that I constantly commend.

Helping my Wife:
Over the years I fixed myself pretty good and am finally seeing the end of the tunnel for my wife. I had to take the help of a story to find the patience and endurance to make it work for her.  Check this out. It really helped me!

And with my wife, I watched the false bottom she stood on give away. It took much longer than I expected but I stood below it to cushion her. Therapy didn’t help her at all. There were times I tried to break the false bottom myself, but it just caused us more pain with no result.

Then one fine day she woke up depressed and said, “I’ve lost all my confidence.” This happened right after she discovered that most of her “friends” were using her. They never really liked her to begin with. All that false praise and pretence faded away leaving her emotionally vulnerable.

“I lost my friends & lost my confidence Evans, am I that bad a person?”  She went on.
I listened as she poured her heart out and then calmly replied, “I’m glad you lost those so called friends. I’m even happier that you lost that confidence.”

Stunned as she was, I continued. “What kind of confidence is it when it comes with your friends and leaves with them? I’d rather you start fresh and build it from within. Look at yourself today. You can achieve anything anywhere anyhow and no one can take that away from you. The real confidence comes from knowing that you are very capable if you choose to. Don’t let others remote control how you feel.” And this is where we are today.

Here’s a few epiphanies I’ve encountered the hard way:
I have realized that being a good listener is the same as making it half way across the bridge.
Clarity, kindness and reassurance in communication is the next most important piece.
I always mention intent when things go wrong. i.e.  “My intent was good, but I couldn’t control the outcome. I’m sorry.”
Its a marathon; building higher tolerance, patience and strength to withstand emotional trauma. I had to push constantly to have her do things for herself.
I realized that I have to fix and finish the job her parents left half way, and that’s a marriage.

Here’s why we ended up the way we were!
We had lack of constant encouragement and support from parents.
We were children not being loved or accepted unconditionally either at home, at school or in the community.
We were always or occasionally compared to other kids.
Our parents were a product of a dysfunctional family themselves where new ideas were not expressed and authoritative behaviors glorified.
One of us came from workaholic parents who were absolutely unaware of its effects.
We were in an environment where feelings were not openly expressed, experienced, or welcome.
We had to deal with fearful or anxiety driven parents who tend to suppress the freedom of growth and expression

Since Recovery Process isn’t easy:
Coming out of low self esteem in an adult life is a lot of work. See link.
If this is important to your life you will need to take the trouble to Google or Yahoo seach “low self esteem”, “self esteem issues” etc. One of the best books I found was ‘The Transformative Power of Crisis‘ by the Alter Family. I highly recommend a copy of it (its out of print, I bought a used copy!).

Good Luck & Peace.

Links:
Article where scientists highlight the effects of low self esteem on a consumer
For those who want to help their spouses with low self esteem, hope this story (http://www.lightyourfire.com/my-girlfriend-has-low-self-esteem.htm)  enlightens you.

~introduction~

I started off writing this as ‘happiness within loneliness’ as the perfect high but it took a different turn as I typed along. Some may take this concept as leaving a relationship or circle of companions to be happy, but that’s not the intent. I want to talk about authentic joy that comes from within. And mine came after a really long struggle. This kind of joy is known within the circle as the type that comes from meditating, talking to oneself, living in the moment or being happy without help from external objects or people. It can be achieved in spite of being dumped with other’s emotional baggage. The happiness here is infinite and leaves within the ability to spread joy to those needing it; but to get to it requires changing and evolving self. To some, like myself this understanding came much after what has been popularly termed as a mid life crisis. I resisted as much as I could and pushing back pained me in equal amounts. I should have just accepted what was in store. Age is clearly no bar to this new exciting yet equally depressing phase.

~the Midlife crisis~

My adventure started at 26 (after 5 years of marriage), although society has known a midlife crisis to occur around the age of 35 or more. I’ve observed a midlife crisis to occur after hitting a plateau in life. In my case, I had achieved all my personal and career goals by the age of 29 and then remained clueless on what to do next. I worked hard in my marriage, even harder at work and did everything I could do to be the best I could be. But I was still unhappy. I did not want a child then but I definitely wanted more excitement. The only excitement easily achievable came from breaking rules; rules of personal integrity, marriage and society. I led a crazy party life and saw myself slowly crossing boundaries in secrecy. Sometimes I wish I had just jumped right in instead of resisting temptation and trying to talk  myself out of it. I was clearly on the verge of a midlife crisis.

On that note, it would be great if we’d all ‘welcome a midlife crisis” like we’d welcome a new born child. I’ve realized that it can lead to a spiritual awakening with sincere self introspection. In all this realization and after researching the definition on Wikipedia and other places, I summarize the concept of a ‘mid life crisis’ to making life altering changes in an attempt to find true happiness. I’ve seen such life altering changes creep up in the form of a divorce, buying a sports car or a yacht, having an extra marital affair, getting a new look, doing things that one may have missed out on while growing up, finding a purpose or the meaning of life, living on the edge, etc. Some of these sound quite normal and it really is. A midlife crisis is not age dependent but experience dependent. It can occur at any age when we feel we have reached a peak in our lives in terms of career or personal success. It’s purely a mental state and has nothing to do with the physical age even though statistics dictate otherwise. For me, it brought clarity to thought and a clear life purpose. I learned to maintain my boundaries and maintain healthy self esteem.

~Boundaries Not to Cross in a midlife crisis~

None. Cross every boundary except physical abuse. In my strongest belief, all boundaries must be explored in an attempt to understand oneself. This is devastating advice to people in relationships, but a truth like this is bitter in its first taste before it sets one free.  It usually takes many years before a loved one finally figures out their truth and submit themselves in service of you or family.  My wife knew this painful truth and overlooked all the things she doubted about me. She considered this as true love for me; when she said she loves me, it was about me and what I wanted, not her or her expectations. Then I asked her; “who loves you when you are busy loving me?”

She said, “I found the strength to love myself.” And that is something that hit a chord deep inside me. Her words resonated with those of my therapist. ‘No one can love others if they cannot love themselves.’ Right then I had another moment of epiphany. Every time people like me do what society considers hurtful, we’re actually figuring out ways to love ourselves. These ways can be quite daunting, confusing and even  illegal, but its a journey into an inner truth. Unfortunately, the only way to accept such behavior is with compassion and empathy.

My extra marital affair fell apart as quickly as it started. I was also lucky that I did not get cited for what was considered as a misdemeanor in this state. My spouse knew what I was upto and yet refused to confront me; she waited in faith. A few months later in complete realization, I walked back into her ever open arms and centered myself within our relationship.  She never did stop me once from making mistakes and she always understood me after I made them. She was my spiritual guru and she led by example. Since then, I’ve been infected with her ability of tolerance and today I continue to understand and spread my experience to those who wish to listen. The peace from it is intoxicating; a higher than high High!

Peace.

Unless you are a therapist, a spiritualist or someone who has completely understood the way this world revolves, there is a good chance you believe that you have understood ‘love’ but lack ways to easily articulate it. I don’t mean to down play you in any way but I wrote this especially to empower you with thoughts that have been around for generations and ways to explain what love truly is.

Many of us have associated ourselves with love but ever since our teen years we have misunderstood being ‘in love’ with the actual ‘true love’. We can recognize this when we tell our boy-friends or girl-friends that we’re ‘in love’ with them and when they are not around, we get upset; on occasions when they are with others, we compete for attention; and when they do something different from what we like, it troubles us. We even quantify love by saying ‘I love you more than you love me’. While this seems very cute in its own way, there is a big difference between what we express in the relationship and what love really is.

~the real difference~

We have not understood ‘love’ the way it really is but have experienced something called ‘in love’. ‘In Love’ is to receive love from the other person and is a dependence based relationship. In this relationship, we are attached to our own happiness but this happy feeling comes from another person’s presence. This is more obvious when they are not around us. We miss them and feel low. In truth we only miss them for the love that they give to us. By being dependent or attached in a relationship this way, we are setting ourselves up for pain. We resist any attempt to remove this dependence or attachment and we know how hurtful it is when we don’t get what we want from them (its an addiction). We innocently forget about what makes them happy and sometimes we act possessive taking away the space they need. Barely do we realize that these problems are within ourselves first; that we are deficit in some way and that their presence seems to complete us. These people that we depend on for happiness could be anyone, a boy or girlfriend, a best friend or even a role model. But while this may sound wrong or terrible, it really is not. In the real sense of the word, this is a stepping stone to understand how to be emotionally independent and how to truly love. Everyone walks this path.

~true love~

When we truly love someone, we only give love, not expect to receive any. We accept the person for who he or she is. This is the same as the unconditional love we talk about between a mother and her child. There is never a reason; we just love. When the time and person is right, we feel it deep within ourselves and nothing known physically to us can ever explain it. True love or unconditional love is unconditional acceptance of a person no matter what their actions dictate; but it does not mean unconditional acceptance of their actions; just the person. Please don’t read only into that line, there is more. We know that people change and their actions evolve over time. We have faith in them because we see in them a ‘them’ that they themselves cannot see. It’s just a matter of time before they figure themselves out through the many good and bad things they do; and trust me, they will consciously do almost every thing that today’s society or you considers bad. However, Love, in a relationship, is accepting them for who they are while expecting them to be the best they can be for themselves; not for you. Loving them is never about you; its about them. When they want you to let go, let them go, let them grow; your part is done. If you are looking for someone to love you, just remember the quote by Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world” & like will attract like. When you learn to love unconditionally, only then you will easily attract another who will love you unconditionally.

~what love isn’t!~

Love isn’t detachment or attachment but a fine balance between the two and knowing when to do either. Love never has reasons; but reasons have love. Love isn’t dependence but freedom to grow. Love isn’t denial but acceptance of self and self emotions. Even hate is love; its someone who’s upset because they didn’t get the love they needed; they are just asking to be loved. Even Jealousy is love, someone wanting the source of love and happiness that you have.
However, due to haste, desperation or just bad sources of information, we remain confused and continue creating reasons for why we should love. Magazines, surveys or compatibility ads are main sources of our wealth of toxic information. Loving someone for a reason is not true love for the other person. Reasons are conditions which when satisfied makes us happy. It just shows that we are in love with that reason and not the person. When we love the reason or that condition, we indicate that we are loving ourselves instead and are trying to make ‘ourselves’ happy; not them. This is the same as making use of them to make us happy; but the reality is that we need to fill our own voids first before we can truly love someone else for who they are. It’s even more scary when we choose to love for a reason and then over time those reasons vanish; and we’d find ourselves hating that same very person. We know this when we use words like, ‘I loved the old you better’. But this is not the end of it all; it’s just one of those jump starts we need.

~how do I learn to truly love someone?~

It’s easier said than done. Learn to love yourself first without going outside for love. When you truly love yourself will you be able to truly love others. There are so many articles on-line that teach us to truly love ourselves. Here are two articles worth reading and two tracks worth listening to.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Love-Yourself-Indulgently-And-Unconditionally&id=781515
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Relationships/serendipity/topics/topic016.html
and finally India Arie with her track “Video” (You Tube)
http://www.pandora.com/music/song/india+arie/video
and Whitney Houston with “The Greatest Love of All“
They all say one thing. We need to first accept ourselves for the way we are with all the flaws we have. No one is perfect, no one will ever be. Everyone starts from the bottom of the ladder to get to the top with respect to accepting themselves the way they are. Financially rich people face the same problems we do. Underneath all that perfection is always imperfection; behind all the glitz is misery that even money won’t solve. We all walk the same path and help is always there. The best part is that you don’t have to make any sacrifices in loving your self.

~on unconditional love and divorce in non violent relationships~

When we finally learn to love unconditionally, we are much more comfortable in our relationships and we easily accept our other halves as people who are struggling to understand themselves. When a need for a divorce occurs, it would be from their side as they battle to search for their source of true love. True love starts within ourselves and at home; but if a divorce helps, do what it takes to help yourself.

~What is sacrifice? Is it associated with giving up?~

Sacrifice truly means ‘to make sacred’. By giving up something you really want, you are instead only hurting yourself; you are not making any relationship sacred! Even though you may give something up for someone, it is not sacrifice unless you are truly happy inside and without resentment. Anything short of this is truly superficial. Its only after you learn how to truly love yourself, making sacrifices becomes so much easier and accurate to its definition. Let me explain.
Sacrifice is never about giving up happiness but gaining even more happiness for yourself by making others happy. When you unconditionally love others, seeing them happy is what truly makes you happy. If they find happiness in what you have and you truly love them, giving it to them is really easy when you know that your happiness comes from within you and no where else. Sacrifices becomes very simple and no different than a side effect of true love. Sacrifice always originates from self when self is ready and should never be imposed or expected of you.

~when should I not sacrifice?~

When you don’t want to!
The act of sacrifice has been glorified but it has lost its meaning over time and lately associated with giving up for a long term benefit. But there is never any long term benefit gained from performing it in guilt, greed or force. In most cases, follow your instinct; in some where it is confusing, its best to wait and let the passage of time convince you. Do whatever it takes to balance between keeping yourself happy and doing things to keep others happy. Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come from the elders; but in some cases guilt surely does; don’t let them ever guilt you or force you. Draw your boundaries and follow your heart. And for those who prefer to be associated with ‘logic’; follow your mind!

.

.
~define love!~

Love is to accept unconditionally!
I love you = I accept you unconditionally!
I am in love with you = Will you accept me unconditionally?

P.S. “I love you” is “I love you to make you happy” and not “I love you to make me happy”;

]]> http://eryanh.com/2008/05/16/love-sacrifice-misunderstood/feed/ 0 Evans http://eryanh.com/2008/04/20/how-do-spiritualists-forgive-so-easily-dont-they-have-self-respect-how-do-i-learn-to-be-one/ http://eryanh.com/2008/04/20/how-do-spiritualists-forgive-so-easily-dont-they-have-self-respect-how-do-i-learn-to-be-one/#comments Sun, 20 Apr 2008 22:23:05 +0000 Evans http://evansnf.wordpress.com/?p=43 ]]> originally posted at evansnf.wordpress.com

Short answer first:
Spiritualists are way beyond self and hence self respect. This doesn’t mean that they don’t respect themselves. On the contrary, they highly do. The only difference is, they don’t do it the way regular people are seen doing it. Regular people like you and me are always hurt by certain actions of others especially loved ones. We get offended for the most part & take those actions personally. We then tell ourselves that no self respecting person will fall for this twice and hence do whatever is needed to protect ourselves from it happening again. This protection, the little firewall we build, is what we’d like to call self respect. I’m sure you recall this quote: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Spiritualists on the other hand, are not hurt by other’s actions, they instead understand that those actions are rooted within the confusion in that person itself. We act emotionally out of control while in confusion, we react defensively in confusion, and all we are really trying to do is sort out this confusion. Unfortunately, while we’re trying to figure out ourselves, others get offended or may judge us.

Spiritualists do not judge people. According to them, a person is not bad, only the action or reaction is. It is a result of them sorting confusion in the best way they know how. They understand these people only behave irrationally out of ignorance of a better way. Lessons in life eventually mature people to evolve out of such ignorance and negativity transforming them into calm rational individuals. Everyone changes on their own time and spiritualists respect them and their present limitations; the eventual outcome is apparent. This understanding stems from the quality of unconditional love and acceptance. As quoted by Mahatma Gandhi,
“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”

and now in detail…
Spiritualists were like you and me at some point in their past. However, today they have not only understood self, they have understood others and how the universe works. They focus on evolving everyone else in any which way possible (irrespective of time or action). If you think about it from a tainted point of view, Mahatma Gandhi and his non violent methods also lead to questions of self respect. In his time, we would think, ‘No self respecting man will let himself be humiliated like that’. A spiritualist instead says, ‘No self respecting man will do unto others as what he would not have done unto himself.’ It may takes years of getting humiliated before the oppressor realizes his act of oppression, hence the illusion of being humiliated did not go in vain. The humiliation is eventually seen in the oppressor through guilt and regret, which is a welcomed start to self evolution. One can attempt to see that the person causing you pain is only showing you your weak spots needing evolution; it’s never a personal attack; just an opportunity to learn within the bigger scheme of life. The point of this all is to learn what unconditional love really is.

~self empowerment~

Spiritualists have understood how to be self empowered. In a self empowerment workshop you can learn the reality that “no one can make you feel what you don’t want to without your permission” and when you feel pain towards an action performed by yourself or others, you are taught to rationalize and improve your emotional intelligence by either standing up to the adversary or gracefully absorbing the impact. When you realize that you can control the way you feel towards everything around you, you find yourself healing not only to your own self but even to others. Self Empowerment is the only start and solution to rational understanding of self and others.

~reincarnation principle in understanding self~

In a universe where we constantly re-incarnate to learn the lessons of life and self, the universe also gives materialistic power to those needing, wanting or obsessed by it. This is one positive answer towards understanding how some morally undeserving people climb ladders. The point of this universe is: Do what ever you need to do; take as much as time as you want to; we (universalists) are sure that you will evolve out of the confusion within your ego while you try to pursue true happiness. This behavior is clear in the pattern when we search for satisfaction in material, power, people etc. True satisfaction comes from understanding that material, power, people etc never contribute to happiness. Happiness comes through being in a state of absolutely no need and it comes from within. Incidentally, the only way we learn this is by trying to find happiness in material, people or power etc and each one of us has to go through the process of initiation spanning over lifetimes.

`

~What are the lessons that we need to learn over lifetimes?~

I would suggest a quick read on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs with regular cross reference to the different levels in Chakras. I used this search to pull results. Maslow, a psychologist whose findings very closely matched the chakra system, independently found this pattern and abstracted it to all humans. In this physical universe, we have 7 levels of initiation before we completely understand happiness. It starts at the lowest level in Maslow’s needs to the highest level of transcendence. The path is fixed for all participants and the growth spans over multiple lifetimes. More on this in a later write up.

`

~is there a quick how to solution?~

No; pain through experience is inevitable, but you can learn, understand and find true inner self through a process of learning what unconditional love is. There is plenty of text out on the internet to help you learn what unconditional love is and how to do it. Just remember that we are all conditioned. We’ve been taught to judge people from the very start to protect self. Barely do we realize that some of these rules for self protection are nothing but a double edged sword. While we continue to explore ourselves, our limits and life in all, in the fear of being judged, we hide our true selves from each other and even from self. This is the same as lying, even worse, lying to yourself.

~if I hold back pain longer, does it make me stronger?`~

Everyone has a break point and you will break eventually. The trick is to dissolve the pain instead of pushing back. Your strength is determined by your ability to understand pain and grow out if faster than you previously did. Just like a dam over capacity, we all have limits; the faster we let the water out, the lesser the chances of dam damage. Let go and let live!

~in pursuit of happiness~

If you do not believe in destiny, then you do not believe that you want to be happy. Happiness is your destination if that is where you naturally head out to or not. No matter what you do, your intent is happiness for yourself or others. For the smart asses who wish to oppose this view by saying, “I want to remain unhappy”, it is interesting to note that being unhappy makes them happy. Happiness is inescapable and so I welcome you to the destination of destiny.

~how to live a karma free life?~`

Read this: http://www.healpastlives.com/future/rule/ruescape.htm

(as always, I will enhance this write up or remove what I find too preachy!)